Nostalgia of Lost Emotions

How should I start off this entry for tonight? Hmmm, I’m so hopeless when it comes starting off an entry. It’s typically difficult to form an expression of words from the beginning to make it sound reasonably sound and interesting.

I think I should start off by letting everyone know that I am actually in Sydney at the moment. My mate and I booked an apartment studio right in the middle of the city. Great location and great value for money, I must add. The price, in fact, was $124 per night for the standard apartment studio (2 single bedding arrangement). We’re in the fourth night of our trip now. So far, it’s been quite enjoyable. I’ve been to Sydney before but this time, I was able to do more than expected in the span of only a few days. Let’s hope I remain content about this.

One of the so called objectives of this trip for me personally, was to experience the nightlife of the city. More specifically, to seek a weekend of nightclubbing. I was indeed successful in doing so.

This is where it becomes fairly complicated and troublesome for me and for anyone reading this, if it should interest you. I went clubbing and the music, the atmosphere, the social miggling of the crowd is, without a doubt, extraordinary. The scene, of course, isn’t for everyone. Irrespective of this, my main concern for the male - is his anticipation to pursue a possible love interest during a prowl in the club. It is dismal and saddening, but it sure is the most likely goal of the modern male when it comes to nightclubbing.

I am so distraught about the common agendas that we, as men, have when it comes to nightclubbing. I consider myself a fairly attractive person (with no intention of being arrogant!). One of the most visible, outstanding criterion when it comes to catching a woman in a nightclub is attractiveness. When women in a nightclub decide to physically interact with men, it is a combination of alcohol and how attractive the man is. I’m aware that there is an abundance of literature/advice claiming that yes, personality will win the day or win the night, in this case - when it comes to scoring with women. Yet, I firmly believe that the main priority still remains on the attractiveness of us males. The problem is we live in such a cosmetic superficial world where the content and merit of our character no longer stand as a impetus for women to pick up the cues of the male in the club. And I refer to both the male and female perspective. We’ve been brought up to believe that the appeal of an individual is based on the exterior character of that person. How depressing. Even if you are incredibly attractive - you have to admit the emphasis on physical appearance is clearly unjust. It is disheartening. Of course, this is reality and we all need to deal with it. There’s no other way but to improve yourself in almost every aspect and element.

I vow now to give up clubbing temporarily. There are many other ways to connect with women and find women. It is simply unreasonable and unrealistic to transform a fling at a nightclub into a romantic combination. If you think about it - if it were that easy (I have been through it before and it appears to be a magical onset for a romantic relationship) - long-term and legitimiate relationships would explode from nightclubbing. If it appears too easy, it usually isn’t. Although this has happened to me before - I have learnt that these nightclub ventures provide more or less a placebo for the male ego. It’s ultimately destructive and unhealthy. I’m still learning to accept this.

I feel that this is somewhat a pathetic entry to publish but it’s so long since I’ve really written anything about myself and what my feelings are. This detachment and stoic behaviour that society demands seems to cripple me further and further. It’s been almost six months since the break-up with my ex-girlfriend. For the most part, I think I’ve managed to move on from the physical and emotional attachment from her. Yet, I am so lost with my emotions now. I yearn and want the beauty of intimacy of another person that I have had with other people. I don’t want her; I just want to experience that forgotten feeling. I’ve been so caught up and wound up in the pressures of work and university life that my innate wants have just flown out the door. I want so much to just hold someone. Yeah, it’s corny but it’s only recently that I remember such a sensation. I guess everyone wants somebody. I miss that feeling.

This is my own fault though. I need to balance myself, improve my well-being, improve my mental capacity to deal with emotions and re-invent myself. I keep falling behind and end up in a ditch with no remedy. Work and study have taken a toll on my happiness and I feel as if I’m falling deeper into a never-ending hole of anguish and detachment from this world. I know that this isn’t the reality of it but the simple notion is that.

I’m glad that I’ve finally fucking written this. Repression of emotions just seem to eat you up. At least, I’ve taken some time to vent. If anyone is reading this, let me know your thoughts on how I am - if any at all.